cold

You were so cold.

I have never seen you like this.Not even when you were mad at me.

In your eyes I could tell you don't want to give a crap about me.Not when I looked at you, not when I wanted to touch you, not when I talked to you, not even when I cried.

Why are you doing this to me?I didn't understand. Why would you do this to me?All I wanted is to see you and understand the reason behind your leaving.You said in your e-mail that you wanted me to come. You even gave me the date.I felt so hurt…

Then it hit me. The time you said you were out with groups and friends, you sounded like you are hiding something. I thought you don't want your date to find out about me, but maybe it’s the other way around.

So I asked you with a smile at the dinner table "Tell me the names of your group, I want to know." In fact, I knew you only went out with one person.I was so sneaky. I hate myself when I am like that.

You got mad at my inquiry. Like Chandler mad at Joey saying he didn't watch the tape. I knew then for sure, someone is in your heart. I didn’t want to bring it up that night because the thought of you have already replaced me just hurts too much.

But I asked the next morning anyway. "Please tell me if there is some body else?"You said "The truth? Yes there is. It's Sebastian. But he is just a friend."

When I gave you flowers and wanted to show I care. I said something because I thought he was just your friend. This time you were angry. You almost wanted to yell but you reserved to a cold tone "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM!" I was so shocked, by how mean you are to me, and ashamed at the same time. Then I realized that you like him a lot more than I thought.

I remember the time when we moved in Amherst and my mom came over.One day she said that you are not a good girlfriend. There is hair all over the bathroom, and it's all your hair and you didn't even help to clean it up. Mom said "If you let her walk all over you, this relationship is not going to last."

I felt so hurt that my mom attacked the person I cared about so much. I thought she was mean and unjust, I still think those comments were unjust. I defended you and I fought with her. Finally I said, in the exact tone as you, "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HER!" My mom didn't talk to me much after that. That day on, she didn't say one bad thing about you. Now thinking back, she must have felt exactly how I felt. She called me today at my office, I was so ashamed, I almost cried with two people in my office.

Saturday night, right before we are going to sleep. He called you. I wanted to give you space, don't want you get out of your own room to talk, so I went down stairs pretended that I don't mind. I don't know if you did it on purpose, but you seemed to have forgotten about that I was there. I hate that day. Like you said, it was awkward as ass. Here you are, can't wait to see what it will be like to be in his arms, and I was there ruined the first weekend you could meet after you came back from Canada. It was so cold down stairs. So cold, even your laughter is so distant and surreal. I regret asking you "If he was only a friend, then what am I?" I hate myself when I do that.

When I went to Irvine, I thought you would understand my pain, show me some mercy. I'll gain enough courage from your gentle words I can just suck it up and let you go. You lied to me. You hate lying. I was the one who taught you to lie. Now I tasted my own bitter fruit. Baobei, don't lie anymore please. I am sorry I put you in a situation to lie before, but I was wrong. Just tell the truth like you always have. That's the girl I loved. Your sense of right and wrong is so vivid, that you would not do anything to break your belief, not even if it will make me happy. Be that girl again. Leave the lies and deceit to me. I have wronged you. I ask for forgiveness.

Sunday, we went out for the walk. You made no attempt or just a really lousy one to hide how tired and bored you are with me. I pried and I pried into your secret garden, where you keep everything sweet and beautiful and I wouldn't let you go. The despised look in your eyes almost saying why aren't you gone yet? Out of all this, I am glad you told me why you did this. How hurt you were by me just holding on to you as a life saving cushion, instead of letting the both of us live our lives. You resented me for that. You resented me so much you didn't want to give me anymore chances. You didn't even wish to give me an ultimatum, because you don't want me back in your life. I love you so much, and I didn't know that. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt you but you resented me. My own baby girl resented me. I am such an idiot! Idiot! IDIOT!!! I lost the cutest, the most thoughtful, loving, most beautiful girl, and the best friend I have ever had, to be replaced because I was such a coward. Such an idiot…… I am angry at myself, I hate myself. I am the biggest coward who lost one girl that he thought was the love of his life. Who would be stupid enough lose a girl like you? I am so stupid. It was all my fault.
I stopped blaming you for lying to me. I stopped feeling your quick replacement was a betrayal. I just want you to forgive me for hurting you. I'll never do that again, but it's not like I have the chance. Those feelings come back some times. I would think how could you do this to me! Why did you leave me? Then I'll remember the pain and anger on your face when you said "For what? To let you back in my life?" And I would start to weep for a little behind the steering wheels.

That night I guess the music touched you. You showed me you cared. Something you only did before early in the morning when you were too sleepy and innocent to keep your guard. We parted in tears. Not exactly the way I wanted it. But the forgiveness is all the same.

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R,

You're right. I do want to see you. I didn't want to do it through ane-mail, but I wasn't sure if you wanted to go all the way here just tohear me say those words to you. I know that if I see that sad face ofyours that I wouldn't be able to go through with it and that wouldn't begood for either of us. Please come visit me. I won't mind you stayingover at my place. I'm so sorry.

D

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R,

The weekend of the 23rd is best for me. if you want to stay at a hotel or something, let me pay for it since you are paying for your flight over here.

I just found out that it’s going to take 19 days to repair my car. I’m bummed, but what can I do. Things happen. It’ll be nice to get it back again, though.

Take care of yourself,D

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p.s. I just want to know one more thing. When you sent me the mail to break up with me on January the 5th, did you already wanted to be with Sebastian?
p.p.s I hope you never see this post.