cold

You were so cold.

I have never seen you like this.Not even when you were mad at me.

In your eyes I could tell you don't want to give a crap about me.Not when I looked at you, not when I wanted to touch you, not when I talked to you, not even when I cried.

Why are you doing this to me?I didn't understand. Why would you do this to me?All I wanted is to see you and understand the reason behind your leaving.You said in your e-mail that you wanted me to come. You even gave me the date.I felt so hurt…

Then it hit me. The time you said you were out with groups and friends, you sounded like you are hiding something. I thought you don't want your date to find out about me, but maybe it’s the other way around.

So I asked you with a smile at the dinner table "Tell me the names of your group, I want to know." In fact, I knew you only went out with one person.I was so sneaky. I hate myself when I am like that.

You got mad at my inquiry. Like Chandler mad at Joey saying he didn't watch the tape. I knew then for sure, someone is in your heart. I didn’t want to bring it up that night because the thought of you have already replaced me just hurts too much.

But I asked the next morning anyway. "Please tell me if there is some body else?"You said "The truth? Yes there is. It's Sebastian. But he is just a friend."

When I gave you flowers and wanted to show I care. I said something because I thought he was just your friend. This time you were angry. You almost wanted to yell but you reserved to a cold tone "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM!" I was so shocked, by how mean you are to me, and ashamed at the same time. Then I realized that you like him a lot more than I thought.

I remember the time when we moved in Amherst and my mom came over.One day she said that you are not a good girlfriend. There is hair all over the bathroom, and it's all your hair and you didn't even help to clean it up. Mom said "If you let her walk all over you, this relationship is not going to last."

I felt so hurt that my mom attacked the person I cared about so much. I thought she was mean and unjust, I still think those comments were unjust. I defended you and I fought with her. Finally I said, in the exact tone as you, "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HER!" My mom didn't talk to me much after that. That day on, she didn't say one bad thing about you. Now thinking back, she must have felt exactly how I felt. She called me today at my office, I was so ashamed, I almost cried with two people in my office.

Saturday night, right before we are going to sleep. He called you. I wanted to give you space, don't want you get out of your own room to talk, so I went down stairs pretended that I don't mind. I don't know if you did it on purpose, but you seemed to have forgotten about that I was there. I hate that day. Like you said, it was awkward as ass. Here you are, can't wait to see what it will be like to be in his arms, and I was there ruined the first weekend you could meet after you came back from Canada. It was so cold down stairs. So cold, even your laughter is so distant and surreal. I regret asking you "If he was only a friend, then what am I?" I hate myself when I do that.

When I went to Irvine, I thought you would understand my pain, show me some mercy. I'll gain enough courage from your gentle words I can just suck it up and let you go. You lied to me. You hate lying. I was the one who taught you to lie. Now I tasted my own bitter fruit. Baobei, don't lie anymore please. I am sorry I put you in a situation to lie before, but I was wrong. Just tell the truth like you always have. That's the girl I loved. Your sense of right and wrong is so vivid, that you would not do anything to break your belief, not even if it will make me happy. Be that girl again. Leave the lies and deceit to me. I have wronged you. I ask for forgiveness.

Sunday, we went out for the walk. You made no attempt or just a really lousy one to hide how tired and bored you are with me. I pried and I pried into your secret garden, where you keep everything sweet and beautiful and I wouldn't let you go. The despised look in your eyes almost saying why aren't you gone yet? Out of all this, I am glad you told me why you did this. How hurt you were by me just holding on to you as a life saving cushion, instead of letting the both of us live our lives. You resented me for that. You resented me so much you didn't want to give me anymore chances. You didn't even wish to give me an ultimatum, because you don't want me back in your life. I love you so much, and I didn't know that. I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt you but you resented me. My own baby girl resented me. I am such an idiot! Idiot! IDIOT!!! I lost the cutest, the most thoughtful, loving, most beautiful girl, and the best friend I have ever had, to be replaced because I was such a coward. Such an idiot…… I am angry at myself, I hate myself. I am the biggest coward who lost one girl that he thought was the love of his life. Who would be stupid enough lose a girl like you? I am so stupid. It was all my fault.
I stopped blaming you for lying to me. I stopped feeling your quick replacement was a betrayal. I just want you to forgive me for hurting you. I'll never do that again, but it's not like I have the chance. Those feelings come back some times. I would think how could you do this to me! Why did you leave me? Then I'll remember the pain and anger on your face when you said "For what? To let you back in my life?" And I would start to weep for a little behind the steering wheels.

That night I guess the music touched you. You showed me you cared. Something you only did before early in the morning when you were too sleepy and innocent to keep your guard. We parted in tears. Not exactly the way I wanted it. But the forgiveness is all the same.

=============================================================

R,

You're right. I do want to see you. I didn't want to do it through ane-mail, but I wasn't sure if you wanted to go all the way here just tohear me say those words to you. I know that if I see that sad face ofyours that I wouldn't be able to go through with it and that wouldn't begood for either of us. Please come visit me. I won't mind you stayingover at my place. I'm so sorry.

D

==============================================================

R,

The weekend of the 23rd is best for me. if you want to stay at a hotel or something, let me pay for it since you are paying for your flight over here.

I just found out that it’s going to take 19 days to repair my car. I’m bummed, but what can I do. Things happen. It’ll be nice to get it back again, though.

Take care of yourself,D

================================================================

p.s. I just want to know one more thing. When you sent me the mail to break up with me on January the 5th, did you already wanted to be with Sebastian?
p.p.s I hope you never see this post.

Our bitter sweet end

Hi baobei,

Thank you for the great weekend.

Like I said in previous un-mailed letter, "maybe you will show me this weekend" and you did. I am happy that I went back.

I think we both needed each others understanding and forgiveness. We care about each other so much. I can't imagine how much regret we will have if we never truly understood what happened.

When I think back about this relationship, I want to remember those that were sweet and learn from those that were bitter.

You didn't let me kiss you right before I left, from that I could tell just how hurt you were. I wonder if I will ever feel those warm soft lips of yours. More importantly, I found out why you left, and you found out why I couldn't let go.

When we were listening to my "Letter in Songs", you cried on the WEWE song. We were both in tears and you came into my arms. I think at that moment, we both forgave each other. We knew just how much we treasured this relationship, how much we cherished each other and how confused, hurt and helpless we feel.

You asked me "What happened?" I really don't know… I guess we grew apart. You out grew me in this eight month. Goomie is a great sister, she took care of you. I am glad that she showed you the way to be happy again. I want you to be happy.

I am still sad. I miss you. I love you. I wish there is a time machine that can take us back to when our love was pure. The time when we could be happy just lying in the bed watching food network with me hugging you from behind was enough to make us happy. When I felt like nothing could hurt us. Maybe I'll have that again in the future.

But for now I want to be your friend. Please don't think I can't be your friend just because I say I love you. Best friends love each other right? When you called me tonight after I landed, I almost cried. You have not called me since I got back. I have been waiting for so long. I just want to be in your life, doesn't matter if I am your boyfriend or just a friend.

I have decided that I want you to see this website. There is not much yet. But everything I post on here will be the truth from my heart. Things I want you to know. Things I wish I could say. And I don't want them to be sandwiched between junkmail and mails from your admirers.

You can come visit this site when you don't want to call me but you want to find out how I am doing. I'll translate the Chinese posts in English soon. I'll also post some lyrics on here, lyrics that have a different meaning now.

Hopefully I'll buy a digital camera, so I can put some pictures on here as well.

Thank you again,

Ur Rex.

p.s. You are more beautiful everyday.
p.p.s my eyes are swollen like two red balloons. Thank god it's from crying and not because they are bummed.
p.p.p.s I'll get better at being your friend.

寄不出的信一 。Unmailed Letter 1

Hi sil,

Is it wrong I still miss you? Is it wrong when I thought of you, I still feel a warm sweet feeling?
The songs that I didn't used to notice suddenly all have a different meaning.

I rather they were still just background noises when I am looking down your eyes.

I am looking forward to this friday's trip. Yet I am also scared.

What am I going to do when I walk out the airport? Am I supposed to hug you? Kiss you?Are you going to push me away?

Why am I even going there? You told me that you don't want me to go.

I said I have somethings to give you and pick up a few things.To tell you the truth, I just wanted to see you.

I wanted to see if a miracle would happen, that perhaps you would tell me you want me back in your life.

The December 5th visit was just too sweet. When I left, I was so sure that we loved each other deeply. I was so sure that you were the one I want to spend my life with. I was so sure I won't lose you. To have you tell me out of the blue two weeks later that you don't feel the same about me any more, I just don't want to accept it, I just couldn't.

I missed you so much.

I miss being able to tell you anything. Including how I feel about you.I miss being there for you when you are sad or lonely, and I miss you being there for me.

Now we've broken up, I feel too proud to admit how I feel. I know I don't hide it well anyway.You probably don't really want to hear about how I feel.

You said call you anytime you want. If that's the case I would just call you all the time like before.Perhaps that was just one of those things you say to make me feel better.... Like "I'll wait for you".

I don't know what would make me stop loving you. Maybe you would show me this weekend.

I miss you. The bitter sweet thought that never goes away.

your friend Rex

>From: "MB"
>To:
>Subject: hello
>Date: Sun, 18 Jan 2004 08:36:45 -0800
>
>r,
>
>well, right now, goomie went to her half marathon training. she'll
>be gone for about an hour, so i'm checking my mail. oh, you played
>with your boss's dogs again? that must have been fun. i saw the
>cutest husky at the park one day. it was a little too playful,
>though. it kept trying to run away from its owner. hehe! that
>would be nice if you could get a dog. i definitely don't have space
>for one either.
>
>oh, you went to visit albert? that's good. so, he has a new
>annoying roomie? that's good that you moved out then. are chinese
>girls that bad?
>
>i'm looking forward to seeing you, too. do you have anything you
>want to do when you are here? i need to find out where i can rent a
>car so we can get places when you are here. i'll call the insurance
>place and the auto repair shop to find out when i can get my car
>back. i'll be happy to see you. i'm sorry that things have to be
>different now. i miss you, too!
>
>see you soon,
>d

Little Day and Little Rex

Hi sil,

I saw little Day and little Rex hanging on the rear view mirror. I remember that day when you decided we would make a few of these little poofs, because you liked the one your sister make.
We got into my car that one warm autum day and went to Michaels and bought a whole bag of these little colored cotton balls. A whole bag of eyes which you probably still have somewhere in your room. We looked around for little feet for an hour, finally we gave up.

When we got home, all we did was just pasting the eyes onto the cotton balls, and they had personality. One looked like a gold fish, the other like a shy little girl. You decided to call that yellow shy poof Little Day, and one which I gave messed up eyes Little Rex.

You put a string on them so we can hang them over my rear view mirror like those tacky fuzzy dices. For then on, everytime we go out, we could see Little Day and Little Rex kissing each other with every bump on the road.

I wish that is us right now. Seperated by distance, linked by an invisible string of love. No matter how bumppy the ride of life is, we could held on to each other by the love that we shared and come back to each other.

But it didn't turn out like that.

Now Little Day is still mad at Little Rex when he is up too high. They are still at each others side when all becomes still. Their string are holding strong but the string shared by the real Day and Rex have broken. So we each fell down to the ground.

One to the driver side, and one to the passenger side.

your friend Rex

為了成長

　　我尋求成長離開了妳，
　　如今妳已成熟而離開了我。

　　何時我的腳步落妳之後，
　　我還想不通。

　　是我忘記，
　　春風中再美的花朵，
　　缺乏水的灌溉也會凋謝。

　　自由是水，
　　妳是不願枯萎的石蓮。

一生有一天 The one Day in my life

　　我不懂，不過我又能了解。我又不願接受，可是我能體諒。我不甘心，我要挽回，卻一句也沒說。鞭策我的那些甜蜜的細節，是妳寧願忘卻的過往。我能說什麼，先離開的是我。在那個難得烏雲密佈的五月天，我們 Four Year Anniversary 前的一個禮拜，妳在哭，我也在哭，天也陪著掉淚，一路流到終程。

　　回台灣兩個禮拜前的週末不是像在做夢一般甜美嗎？班機雖然晚了一個小時才到，但一出了機場就看到了妳滿臉的笑容。我們在機場正廳中擁抱，妳不像以往一樣在意旁人的眼神，唯一重要的是這一刻。我們沒有安排任何行程，就在家裡分享四十八小時中的每一秒。倚在沙發上聊天，在房間裡對著Musiq的「Don't Change」慢舞，一起煮妳愛吃的蕃薯飯，到中午十二點才跑去Mimi's Cafe求他們做早餐。那個週末，每秒鐘妳都開心的笑著，我最愛看妳這個樣子。直到離開前，在機場裡妳居然哭了。之前每次回來看妳，妳都那麼堅強轉身離去。妳和我說「這個週末太完美了。」我通過安檢轉頭看見妳還站在原地哭泣時，心都碎了。

　　You say "It never gets any easier."

　　兩個禮拜裡，是什麼改變了呢？當我穿出人叢時，妳沒有露出微笑。我伸手搭妳的肩，妳撇過了臉。話聊不起來。連去吃早餐都有如在坐針毯。妳說每次分離很痛苦，是長痛不如短痛嗎？我總是認為愛最迷人的就是牽掛。但是當妳不願再關心我，牽掛就成了一件厭煩的事。沉溺在上次會面的我沒能預見妳醞釀已久的念頭。但自從分隔兩地後，我就知道這是早晚的事了。妳像個小女孩一樣，熱愛自由，嚮往著外面無限的可能。每次妳說會等我，我都只是笑笑，不想太快戳破妳我的夢。我們還要一起去夏威夷，去紐西蘭，去阿拉斯加和去義大利。下次我回去我們還要去聖地牙哥，要去泡溫泉不是嗎？

　　妳一直追問我心裡是如何感受，於是我坦白的讓妳知道。我哭出聲來的時候妳慌了，妳陪我哭，還說妳不要分手了，之前說的都不算數。可惜那不是妳真正的期望，妳只是心疼我哭，我沒讓妳再欺騙自己。一切就這樣結束了。再度在機場離開妳，妳沒有哭。只有我升空造雨。

　　四年七個月又八天　　


　　I don't get it, but I think I can understand. I refuse to accept, but I am willing to forgive. I want you back, but I didn't say anything. Those sweet details that drives me forward, is the past you rather forget. What can I say? I left you first, in that rare cloudy mayday, one week before our four year anniversary. You were crying, I was crying, even the heavens dropped its tears, all the way to my destination.

　　That weekend, two weeks before I went back to Taiwan, wasn't it as sweet as a dream? Even though my flight was late for an hour, but the moment I stepped out the airport I saw your face with a huge smile. we hugged in the lobby, and you didn't mind others staring like you used to, because this moment is the only thing that mattered. We didn't plan anything. Instead we shared every second of the 48 hours together at home. We lounged around the comfee spot and chatted. We slow danced to Musiq's don't change in the room, cooked yor favorite Yam rice. We fooled around until noon, then went to Mimi's Café and begged them to make breakfast. That weekend, you seemed to smile from the bottom of your heart every single second. I love seeing you so happy like that. Until when I was leaving, you started crying in the airport. You've never done that before, you were always so brave to turn around and walk away. You said to me “This weekend was perfect.” When I passed security and turned to see you still standing on the same spot crying, my heart broke in pieces. I said to myself “she's the one”.

　　You say "It never gets any easier."

　　What did change in two weeks? When I got through the crowd, you didn't smile. When I reached out for your shoulder, you turned your face away. Our conversations wouldn't stick. Even going to Mimi's felt like sitting on a needle bed. You said it's too painful every time we part, did you rather have a quick pain to get it over with? I always thought the most attractive part about love is the thinking for each other. But when you don't wish to care for me anymore, it becomes a burden. Still indulging in our last perfect meeting, I couldn't foresee what you have been brewing underneath your mind, even though since I left, I knew this would happen sooner or later. You are like a little girl who yearns for your freedom, looking to experience the endless possibilities out there. Every time you said “I'll wait for you”, I just smile and hold you tight. I don't want to burst this beautiful bubble too soon. We still have to go to Hawaii together, go to New Zealand together, go to Alaska together and, and don't forget Italy! Next time I come we are going to San Diego, and going to the Spa, aren't we?

　　You kept asking me how I feel inside. So I let you know directly. When I started crying, you panicked. You cried with me, and even said you didn't want to take a break anymore, you didn't mean what you said. Too bad that's not what you really hoped for. I don't want you to lie to yourself. So it will end here. When I leave you in the airport again, I lifted off to make rain.　　Four years, seven month and eight days.